Nonexistent
by canvas-panda
Summary: So Yusuke and Keiko live happily ever after right? Yeah...no. After their marriage, Keiko finds herself in a dilemma. Humor.


Disclaimer: I just woke up today and realized that I didn't own YYH. Ridiculous.

I'm not sure, but I think I'm going to leave this as a one-shot.

* * *

Nonexistent

It was bright and early with the sun glaring monstrously down at the inhabitants of earth when a man with tousled brown hair and a stringy mustache could be found. It was obvious to those that could see him that he was sweating profusely—right through his clean tux.

'_Heavens help me I'm going to die!_' the man thought, his mind going into overdrive.

Now, as one would probably ask: (and if you didn't, why the hell would you be reading this?) what is it exactly that makes this man fret so? The answer looms right ahead… in the form of a gigantic five story high apartment in which resides his personal dread.

'_I'm going to die I'm going to die I'm going to die—no, think positive!... DEEP BREATH, MAN, DEEP BREATH… breathe in, breathe out… … THAT'S NOT HELPING! Okay, okay I'm not going to die… no… I'll just be chopped liver and served just righ—THAT'S EVEN WORSE!' _the man then proceeded to panic and have an utter meltdown in public. Very professional.

A few moments later, the man was found in a corner, hyperventilating.

'_Take a deep breath, in…out, in…out…. Okay. I'm ready'_ the businessman steeled his nerves and bravely strode over onto the other side of the road, towards the apartment building…

CLANG.

…and right into a pole.

…………….

All right, so right now, we're not trying to see whether or not the apparent business man has a backbone or ocular problems—no, instead, we are going to see how all is faring inside of the Urameshi residence at the exact same point in time! (Yes, finally something that is actually relevant!)

"Yusuke, what color do you like better; baby lavender or soft lavender?" Keiko asked said man on the other line of the phone.

"What difference does it make?"

"Everything! It's for our coming baby, idiot!"

"Well just pick anything! It doesn't matter!... wait, was that the reason why you called me? To fucking ask me if I like lavender or lavender with another name?! You aren't even fucking pregnant yet!!!"

"Yusuke I--", Keiko was cut off as the doorbell rang. "—one minute! There's someone at the door!"

"Wait, Keiko I--!" Yusuke was too late and was answered instead by a low beeping sound. "Damn it!"

"Hello? Is this the Urameshi residence?" a strange—not to mention smelly—man hesitantly asked Keiko upon opening the door.

"Um… yes? Is there a problem? Oh wait, don't tell me; you came to order a restraining order on Yusuke, because if you did then I'll have to tell you mister; Yusuke is really a kind-he-"

"No no no no!" the man cut off Keiko. "I came to talk to you about your-er… _marriage…_"

"My marriage…?" Keiko echoed, totally confused.

"Yes, yes… your marriage," the man confirmed. All the while, he managed to somehow weasel himself inside the house and sit on one of the sofas. (Very professional skill acquired by years and years of back-breaking business experiences)

Once the man was comfortable, he continued to talk. "You see, upon years and years of wedding experiences, the church that you married in has never had a case as interesting as this…"and here the man paused.

"Which is…?"Keiko urged, suspicious about this whole thing.

"Well, the husband that you married is… well, _dead_," the man barely whispered as he started to sweat once more and braced himself for the impact.

"WHAT?!" Keiko exploded. "I JUST SPOKE TO HIM THIRTY SECONDS AGO!!"

"Uh… well… it's recorded here in clear letters that… uh… he died in a car accident…?"He cringed, lifting up Yusuke's undeniable death certificate of long ago.

"B-bu-but! The marriage vows! The-the physical proof! 'til death do us part!'" Keiko quoted, frantic and panicking at the dilemma she was in.

"yes… and you uh… parted," he stated, shifting nervously.

"But..! All our relatives were there! We saw him, he saw us!!! We even have pictures!" Keiko said desperately. After all, it's not like she can tell the man that her husband suddenly decided to come back to life because of a stupid egg.

"Well, er, our theory was that your husband either had the same name or is pretending to be the man who deceased," he said stiffly, unsure of what to do. "And until he proves to us that he really is 'Yusuke Urameshi', he will have to stay under the title of 'nonexistent'…"

"Bu-bu-BUT…._**NONEXISTENT?!**_" Keiko practically shouted as the word 'nonexistent' echoed through her mind.

"Yes, he's uh, theoretically and officially… _dead and nonexistent_,"the business man confirmed.

"Nonexistent…" Keiko said once more, in a light-headed daze. "Dead…"

"Er… yes, he's uh…" the man flipped out his Thesaurus. "He's uh, dead, deceased, croaked, departed, shuffled off your mortal coil, slain, fallen, bit the big one, dead as a doornail, gone, lifeless, taking a dirt nap, kaput, worm food, cashed in your chips, finished, lapsed, pushing up daisies, terminated, inanimate, kicked the bucket, past your expiration date, nonliving, checked out, bitten the dust, passed away, passed on, isn't-coming-back-for-the-sequel… dead," he listed, making sure he left out no synonym before closing his book with a satisfying snap.

THUMP.

The businessman looked up in sudden surprise, eyes wide at the sight of the unconscious woman.

A few awkward seconds later, the man decided that it was a better idea to scamper off and out of sight before the 'nonexistent' and 'illegally-taking-the-name-of-another-guy' husband came in to beat the living crap out of him.

*ahem* "UHHH…. I'll just be going now…" he whispered unsurely, shifting his eyes nervously while slipping his business card into Keiko's lifeless hands. And if one ever stayed to watch this interesting chain of events happen, one would have swore that the man _skipped_ off into the glaring distance, suitcase in hand.

* * *

Okay, who else agrees that this story gets a ten out of ten on the weird-o-shit-o-meter?

And I will keep this as a one-shot unless you guys manage to convince me to torture the poor business man once more into facing his dreadful job…


End file.
